I traded death for life. - Christian Teen Chat & Discussion Forum

God has brought me through so many valleys in the past few years. But if it weren't for those valleys I would probably not be able to say that Christ's my one and only.

So, let me start from the beginning. I grew up going to church sundays, sunday school stopped when you were in 8th grade. They had a pretty good childrens program, I remember none of it. When I was 10 years old I was sexually abused by a girl who was in my class. Play days, i would go over to her house when my parents would be working and home alone we'd sit watching tv... She did things and showed me things a 10 year old should see or experience. I locked it all far away in my heart. Told my mom once, just to get away from this girl... and i never spoke of it again.

My freshman year my family decided to make a big move... We didn't have to, but we figured it would be a good step to take for my dad's career. So off we went, I made tons of friends... I loved it here, that year I was able to really learn that God wasn't just up in the sky but here with us, and that i could have a relationship with him. I joined a church that was growing like crazy, it had more members in it than the size of my old town. I quickly became involved with the youth group, leadership and small groups at my church. God was awesome, life was good.

My Junior year came around and i started thinking about the way i conducted myself. People meant everything to me... If my friends were mad, i was mad.. I was a camileon for as long as i can remember. One night at a bible study I became aware of this, knowing it was wrong that my friends meant more to me than God I began to beat myself up over it.

That year my best friend from back at home was going through a lot of stuff.. Her parents left her basically to raise her 2 year old brother and take care of her 2 brothers who were in and out of trouble. I remember visiting her one night, it was a different night, another friend there with her, talking for her... she said, "Leigh has been through a lot rachel, and sometimes when things are so hard on the inside they've got to come out on the outside" She turned over her wrist and i couldn't believe my eyes. Leigh had been cutting herself. Who knows how long. I was immediately paniced, She calmed me down telling me she had gotten help and it had been a while since her last cut. I felt awful, you know my friends were everythign to me... there was no way i could not be upset by this.

well, time went on at home... I started to feel more and more out of wack. Days after school i would just burst out crying. One day in the parking lot of the school i was practically sobbing for no reason.. My friends didn't understand it, trying to comfort me they asked what was wrong and the three words i hate the most came out. "I dont know". I didn't know anything about what was going on with me, all i knew was i was a freak!

So this went on for months, struggle and fighting myself to try and figure out what was going on with me. Then one night while i was in a low sweep I tried what leigh had done. Afraid of my wristss, i decided to cut my arms and legs. The guilt and fear kicked in so quickly i couldn't hold it in. The next day i told a friend at school. My friend made me tell my mom, so not because i was concerned about myself but having my friend still I told my mom. I was sent to a counselor. A christian counselor, so I told her what I thought was going on spiritually, she immediately said, maybe but what else... "I dont know".

I would go months or weeks without cutting and then cut again, I told my mom everytime eventually and eventually always ended back up at the counselors. I got through my senior year of high school... by a hair, and it was now time to say goodbye to the friends that were leaving for college. I didn't have the option of going away for college, when i was a freshman I had my education plan picked out for me by my parents and my counselors at school. I was to go to a community college for 2 years and transfer to a 4 year university. I would be alone here, no friends, everything here to remind me of what used to be.

That summer I fell into a deeper depression. This time i wouldn't tell anyone. I got into this online world, I was online 23 out of 24 hours of the day, how someone can possibly spend so much time on here, now i can't even figure out. School started, and I was a regular cutter.

A day consisted of waking up late, cutting.... going to class, forgetting an assignment, cutting in the bathroom... going to the next class feeling stupid.. cutting... going home and getting online... trying to fight myself and not cut... then i'd feel guilty i wasted a day and cut... nights were long and hard.... I would stare at the computer, talking to my online support groups, hanging by a thread.

One night I was at wits end. I had a rough day and was sick of everything... grabbing a bottle of ibeprofen i didn't think as i swollowed 2, then 4, then 6 pills. I was scared to death, going online to suicide helplines, crying and freaking out. I didn't want to die, but it was as though i was real close to dying. There were nights i would drink. I had turned into the girl i never thought i would be....

I was in this bad mess until one day my best friend online decided it was time to talk to my mom. She told my mom everything, how she was so worried about me, how thigns were going so bad.... I freaked out, but was so relieved that it was all out in the air and I didn't have to talk about it.

I went back to counseling, and now this tool that was right infront of me for 3 years was the only crutch i would have to get out of this depression. It was time for me to get out myself. I had used everyone and everything to try to escape the pain and shame. So i started to tell her everything... I hated life, i wanted to die.. nights were so hard. I kept a live journal and wrote everything in it, I began to trust my counselor enough to read my journal.

One afternoon i was in my parents shower, mom and dad were out working and my brother was at school. Not thinking anything of it i locked myself away upstairs.... Got out of the shower to hear screaming.... "RACHEL!!!!!!!!! RACHEL!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!" it was mom.... she thought i had killed myself. she saw my car in the driveway and when she didn't hear me answer her calling for 20 minutes she thought i was dead. This was a big wake up call.

All this just made me hate myself more and more.... it was really hard for me to give myself a break... at this point however i was trying not to cut as much as possible.. instead of 4/5 times a day i was cutting 4/5 times a week. One night i was surfing the tv stations when a sex scene came on. I sat and watch for a minute and began to go into a panic attack. not sure why i was freaking out but really freaked out i cut my leg.... deeper than i have ever cut before I cried and cried. Unsure why this bothered me so much I covered it up and went out. 3 hours had passed and I noticed my leg was still bleeding... I should have had stitches but being stubborn i just let it go.

The next day at school i did a lot of thinking. I recalled the situation with the girl when i was little.. I had completely forgotten about it all. Soon i talked to my counselor about it, she had known from day one that something sexual had happened, but it was up to me to come to that realization. So, She taught me how to forgive myself.. and she taught me how to ask God for forgiveness. I prayed that night and asked God to forgive me and heal me.

Time went on, I was cutting less and less. I had come to the realization that God was there the whole time.. Nights I would doubt Him and say I did not believe were soon to be gone. As I asked God to forgive me, I tried to forgive myself as well. God gave me the strength to get through those hard nights. I asked a friend, if God really loves me, why am I going through this… she said to me, that if it weren't for God, I would be dead right now. It was as though my life was at a stand still, and it's true, sometimes the only way from down is up… So slowly I got through it. step by step. I'm not saying that I am through it but I've learned so much about living life and fighting this addiction.

For one, It's not my fault what happened when I was 10 years old. I have no control over my friends feelings and I will have friends forever if they are made through Christ. He is the center of everything, It's no longer my life that I am living, even though it is my life… I've yielded it over to God. I figured after 19 years of trying to run my life my own way, it's His turn, He'll do a much better job than I could even imagine….

You know that kind of brings to my mind the lyrics of a Jeremy Camp song. "All my life I have seen where you've taken me, beyond all I have hoped and there's more left unseen… there's not much I can do to repay what you've done, so I give my hands to you." I don’t think of my struggles as a bad thing anymore… There are my story. If life was all peaches then we wouldn't need God. I felt at the time as though God has forsaken me, but I've learned that He has carried me through the darkest nights.

So today, I still struggle.. and I will fall I've learned that I am human and it's okay as long as I pick myself up and move on again. I feel as though God is calling me into Youth Ministries and Psychology. I know what's its like to try everything but the very thing you need. I did it with my life. I tried cutting, drugs, and drinking.. I even tried to use my friends to fill my emptiness.. I only found that it left me emptier… When I ran to God, He came running to me… I feel as though he reached down and has pulled me up into the light again.

That's my story, it's constantly changing… I hope you were encouraged by it. If you're struggling with any of the stuff I am, please know I'd be open to talk about any of it with you.

God Bless

	Author	Topic: I traded death for life. (Read 1105 times)
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